wrigley field is MILF paradise
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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