I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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