I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
