Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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