i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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