i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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