i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
