You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
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