I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
