I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I currently don't understand fingers.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
