I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
