my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
