I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Randomize
