i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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