How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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