Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize