I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
