I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Oh god it's open bar.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
