I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize