Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I think I just sharted jello shots
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
