Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
