there's paper in my vomit.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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