was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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