he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
