Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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