Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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