What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
