i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
