I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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