When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I did not marry a roomba.
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