Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
