I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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