i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
