a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
