Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Just pee around me
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
