i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize