dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
