I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
do nipples grow back?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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