i permit you to call me
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
