wakey wakey hands off snakey
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
