I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
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