I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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