quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Did I show you my penis last night?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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