Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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