I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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