i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
