What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
