My nipple is on Facebook.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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