just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
