there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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