I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
