I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
