This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
