If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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