We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
