But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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