i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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