i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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