Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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