How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
